The Power of Forgiveness | The Science of Happiness

The Power of Forgiveness | The Science of Happiness

Particpant 1: You were so cold to my friends
and so incredibly rude. P2: I do have value, dammit.
P3: I need to forgive so then that I’m not bitter towards the next guy that comes around. Julian: Forgiveness, what does that even mean? Does it mean admitting you’re wrong? Is it
a sign of weakness? If you’re asking for something do you lose the upper hand. How many times
have you decided not to forgive someone. Maybe they didn’t deserve it. What’s the point,
why even bother, right? Hey, it’s fine, it’s none of my business, we don’t have to get
into them. Let’s get selfish for a minute. What’s in it for you? What would you say if
I told you that psychologists have found a substantial correlation between reduced stress,
better heart health, lower anxiety, lower pain perception, and most importantly, higher
overall happiness all attributed to your ability to be a forgiving person. Well today we thought
we would dive in check it out for ourselves. As usual we brought in a selection of subjects,
gave them all a test that gave us a fairly good idea of their level of happiness. And
as usual they had no idea what we were doing. We started by asking them to close their eyes
and picture somebody that they were currently holding a grudge against or had some sort
of unresolved conflict with. P1: Okay.
Julian: You got that person in mind? P1: Mhm.
P3: Mhm. P2: Mhm.
Julian: Then we asked them to write out who this person was, what the event was that caused
this tension between them, how they felt about it, and most importantly we asked them to
in their own words and in their own way, try and forgive that person.
You had a bit to say didn’t you. P4: A bit. Yeah.
P5: Well, it’s my sister. P3: We dated.
P4: It’s kind of been in my head a lot so getting it down on paper kind of gave me an
image of what I felt pretty much. P2: Well this particular person was my stage
partner in a magic act that me and this person did together.
Julian: Go on! P5: And we never got to hang out as often
as I wished. Julian: Since you already have it written
out do you think you would be willing to share it with us?
P4: Yeah sure! P1: Yeah, it was a colleague at work.
Julian: There’s one more bit to this, would you be willing to do it into a mirror?
P2: A mirror? Julian: Yes!
P1: Sure. I feel like we are work colleagues and we
should have a more of a common respect for each other.
P2: So, we started trying to develop a different show together and as that started happening
everything started breaking down and we would just get into worse and worse fights.
P4: This person was a girlfriend I had a while back. Things escalated quick with us and we
enjoyed each others company but what I found out about her I couldn’t bring myself to forgive.
P1: I would love to be valued at work. Appreciation, just a small at the end of the day thank you.
You did a good job. P3: This is a case of just knowing someone
for a very long time and being just the one person that he always went to when things
would go wrong. P4: I found out that most of the stories she
told me about her life were all lies. P2: He just decided to up and essentially
leave for four months and completely ruin any chances I had of starting another act.
P4: I’m not sure if she was just trying to seem like an interesting person or just wanted
some attention, but she already had mine. P1: I’ve tried to forgive you, I’ve tried
to forgive you many times for acting this way and it seems like when I do, I open myself
up to getting the door slammed in my face again. P2: I am valid as a performer, I do have ideas and I can create things and I have created
things. P1: In order for me to completely forgive
you I feel like I need to feel the respect that you give to everybody else on me as well.
I don’t feel that. P5: However, not that I am out in Los Angeles,
thousands of miles away from home, I’m afraid I’ll never have as great of a chance to help
you through life struggles. P3: You never know who to trust but you can’t,
I can’t put everything on him. But you know when it did end, I was a little relieved because
I didn’t do it on my own for this whole seven years.
P2: We were doing this act for four years and I got really like. Even you know like
you can logically understand that you do have value in the world if you want that from one
particular person it’s just going to take a little while to let go of everything.
P1: And I know sometimes that I am a difficult person.
P3: Sometimes we want to change people. P1: I feel like we would be better if we could
forgive each other and just kind of start anew, people make mistakes.
P5: I want you to know I do care about you and I’m always thinking about you. If there’s
ever anything that you need from me, I’ll be there for you.
P1: If you could just treat me just like you do your best friend at work, I think we would
be completely cool! P2: I’ve had to keep a lot of stuff in but
it feels good! P4: Having a grudge is not fun and it’s sometimes,
forgiveness just comes from within. Learn to forgive and learn to move on.
Julian: Well, the results are in and we found in our subjects an average increase in happiness
of 8% but the highest increase was 28%. Now what does this mean about forgiveness. Most
people think forgiveness is something that takes two people, a forgiver and a forgivee.
But what we found today is reaping the benefits of forgiveness doesn’t require anyone except
you. Now it doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with them or even say a word to them because
forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing or forgetting what happened. Forgiveness is something you
do for yourself to lower your psychological distress by getting rid of those negative
emotions. So, is there anybody from your past you’re holding a grudge against? I’ve shown
you the door, now it’s up to you to walk through it. I’m Julian, and this has been The Science
of Happiness. SoulPancake

100 thoughts on “The Power of Forgiveness | The Science of Happiness”

  1. It's hard for me to hold a grudge against any person when we're not together doing the thing that made me hold the grudge, but then we when go and do it again, I remember why I was so angry in the first place and end up stressing and hurting myself again. I don't want her to think I forgiven her, bc then she'll think it's ok for her to be irresponsible and childish and selfish and all that, but I'm pretty much an open book and carefree all the time so she's going to think everything's okie-dokie-o with me. And then I go home and think about how she acted, and be annoyed and angry again. (Referring to a practice partner in music performance)

  2. omg Julian your energy is so sweet 😀 I love your cutsie lines at the end of your shows 😀 they are so adorable, just like yourself 😀 <3 Your sweetest fan 🙂 <3

  3. I am really interested on these videos! There is any video with spanish subtitles? I would like to share it. Thanks!

  4. God mentions forgiveness 60+ times in the New Testament alone. I'm glad someone else figured out it works.

    Jesus kept forgiving to his last breath –even on the cross.

  5. I does not feel myself depressed, because i do not forgive, i do not forgive, cause i'm depressed, and i feel like fcuk other, who cause me pain and do not apologies! Fcuk them! 
    A men last week cut me with his knife on the bus… why should i forgive that?

  6. Seriously, you guys are awesome. I tried this, and its really like letting all of those negative feelings out. Thank you so much.

  7. What if you ask forgiveness and you put you heart and soul into the apology and they just don't respond? Then what?

  8. Thank you Julien. I know this is true, and it can be so difficult. I needed to do it over and over for years before I could cleanse myself of the bitterness after a betrayal in my family. I hold out hope that it is possible to get past those awful negative feelings and worth the work.

  9. There's something I just flat-out dislike about the word forgiveness and the concept of it in the traditional sense. It sounds like you're "giving" them something…like a gift.

    And I feel like the phrase "You're forgiving for you, not the other person" sounds almost patronizing. I'm thinking, "Bullshit, no we're not. We are totally giving them something they don't deserve and are just fooling ourselves into thinking it's for ourselves, when in fact, we were the ones screwed over and we just need to find a way to trick our psyches into being okay with it.

    I've tried to just very simply "let it go" without forgiving….I don't know. That just falls flat.

    I think I want to do an experiment. I want to forgive in the most traditional sense possible. Just to see what it does for my life. I am going to follow the traditional techniques for forgiveness, including saying and thinking "I forgive you"… and just do this for a few weeks. If it doesn't work, I will try another way.

    But I realized…..even if you have strong resistance to it, there is certainly no harm in just giving it a try and just paying attention to how it benefits you in your life.

    Because hey….if I were to suddenly reap personal benefits that I could describe to people first-hand, I'd be the biggest advocate of forgiveness.

  10. It can be hard for some people to forgive, but it's certainly worth it when they manage to.

    Wonderful video. Thank you.

  11. Your changinig peoples life and you changed my life your like no other im breaking down right now im crying and this is coming from im 9 years old 🙂

  12. thank you Julian. Forgiveness is a gift to myself from myself. and it can happen without the other person knowing. again, I just love your videos!

  13. This is very similar to what I've heard from my therapist. It takes time and in some cases a lot of nerves but it's worth it! *in my case I wrote a letter to this person and burn it.

  14. I started doing this last year when I first saw this video and IT FRECKIN WORKS . Just try it out for yourself . Thanks soulpancake

  15. Really wish that SoulPancake could make more of these series like the "Science of Love", "Science of Happiness".
    It's truly freeing.

  16. Maybe im just stubborn. But i feel like in some situations, with some people, i honestly could not forgive them without a genuine apology from them.

  17. All the things my mum has said about me and how she doesn't believe me… are what I need to forgive to move on.

  18. This is helping, really. I have a grudge on someone again, i forgive him before without confronting or saying words but then he keeps on repeating it and I was tired forgiving or trusting him that he would change but really, he keeps on doing it like he never UNDERSTAND whats right or wrong and now i'm anxious if he's around the house, thinking that he might do it again without us looking at him.

  19. I think i'm going write down how i feel towards the person i have a grudge to and look in the mirror and say it aloud

  20. Forgiveness
    Last week we looked at Jacob and what would become a new beginning for him. He was given the name Jacob because he clutched his brother heel. To clutched the heel means to deceive or to trip up . Genesis 25:21-34
    But God had a plan for Jacob just like how he has a plan for all our lives.. But because our faith in God is weak we like Jacob tends to take matters in our own hands and look for a easy way to get what we want even if it belongs to our brother or sister, by means of deception. David could have taken the easy way by killing Saul to get what he wanted….. Strong Faith is just one of the reasons why God loved David.
    The guilt of Jacob action would have lain heavy on Jacob’s heart, but God have a way to restoring us to our higher self by means of

    So what is Forgiveness?
    Forgiveness has two root meaning:
    1. to lift and take away
    2. to atone for wrong doing
    When we look at Genesis 32:3
    We find Jacob making atonement for the wrongs that he has done is Brother Esau, a wrong that could be class as treason and merit death. It was after this atonement that his true blessing was going to be realised for God himself was going to bless him.
    Brothers and sisters I say this to you, many of us are living a limited life because we refuse to atone for our transgression. Because it is hard to face the shame of the things we did when we were child like.
    Genesis 33:1-16
    Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner!
    Even though Esau was kind and gracious to Jacob there was still an uneasiness that that surrounded Jacob because of his wrong doing he was still carrying the guilt and shame of is action… It is really hard to believed that even though he is enjoying the blessings that God had promised his grandfather he is still ashamed.. But God also had a plan for our guilt and shame
    He is going to lift our sin and take away our guilt and shame and put them away as for as the East is from the west
    Psalm 103 V1-13
    This he has done through the blood of his son Jesus Christ. Who as the Lamb, his blood will wash away our sins, and as a counsellor his words will heal us and bring us closer to God.
    But Why has God done such a thing ? because he wants us to be like him giving up something precious to atone for our wrong doing. just saying sorry is not enough sometimes we need to give up our pride.

  21. Unfortunately, sometimes forgiveness is seen as acceptance, or permission, and although you may feel better in the short term, the perpetuation of the problem may upset you/anger you more than it did before you 'forgave'. Also, where do you draw the line? A annoying colleague is one thing, but what about an abusive partner or someone who has molested you? Would forgiving them suddenly make what they did okay? If everyone forgave everything, there would never be consequences.

  22. I think the greatest time I ever forgave someone, was when a girl in school had been being mean to my sister, but after hearing her side and that it was an accident, I forgave her and now we've been friends for almost 6 years

  23. Where do you guys find such beautiful people that red head is the most beautiful creature I've seen in a long flippin time

  24. Touched me…second video in a row from SoulPancake, Thank you, going to try this out tonight when I get home. Thank you for creating this video.

  25. This was a beautiful video and I'm going through such a tumultuous time, I gave it a try. Spent a hour writing a letter. Went off-script during the talking part and spent ages forgiving the both of us.
    Didn't help, honestly speaking. My heart still hurts with every beat. Maybe it's because I ad-libbed so much, i dunno. but in any case, i wish it had worked. Thanks, anyway.

  26. Really COOL and SIMPLE, huh? Perhaps, it depends on the degree of hurt… but what matters most is that you sincerely desire TO FORGIVE..

  27. Hey 👋 just want to tell you that Jesus loves you! I used to have a lot of hate for someone in my life and they ruined my life it led me into drugs and other things until I met Jesus. He healed my soul and I don't feel any pain anymore! God is good

  28. I love this! In the bible, Jesus says that we should forgive others.

    Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

  29. Thanks for this amazing program! I'm giving positive psychotherapy to those who needs and your program fits perfect with it and confirm all I propose 🙂
    Too bad there is not a French version I could share on my pro page to inspire my consultants… One day maybe 🙂
    Gratitude to you

  30. The power of forgiveness has a big part to all the people wanted it that who commits mistakes on us. This video gives positivity to the person who really needs forgiveness.

  31. Julian is so right. Forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness is saying, "yes you hurt me, but I will not allow you to cause me to suffer." It essentially taking back control.

  32. I really question the results at the end, as people always feel better about themselves and life after talking about their issues. I don't see how the experiment relates to forgiveness per se. Forgiveness should only be given when earned or deserved, if someone continues to maintain a lie, deception or shows no remorse, why forgive them? Finally, nobody should be made to feel bad about themselves (eg. labelled as weak) if they cannot or do not want to forgive somebody – it's entirely your choice.

  33. As a severely bullied kid I legit knew I was gonna cry when I clicked this video. It’s so hard to forgive, but it’s not just about forgiving it’s about FORGETTING. Because forgive all you want nothing matters if you still hold on to what they did. I think a lot of people assume forgiveness is accepting that person into your life. You don’t have to let anyone into your life who wronged you but don’t let what that person did get to you emotionally. They’re not worth it, and you’re worth more.

  34. My mom needs to see this, she holds onto her resentments for dear life. The are valuable to her, they are her assets.

  35. you know, soulpancake actually makes awsome videoes. You can't always find videoes like this on the net! Worth the time :)))

  36. wow. wow, i have to say thank you so much. you have helped me forgive my dad! you are impacting lives! thank you thank you thank youuuuuu !

  37. Forgiveness is simply to see the false as false, and there are no exceptions to this state of mind. It is impossible to achieve partial reality. Forgiveness must be experienced completely to be experienced at all. — David Hoffmeister

  38. Bible was so right "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
    Matthew 18: 21-22 NIV

    Do a favor for yourselves forgive others, its for your benefit only.

  39. Bible was so right "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
    Matthew 18: 21-22 NIV

    Do a favor for yourselves forgive others, its for your benefit only.

  40. Matthew 26 : 28 " Drink it, all of you, he said, this is my blood which seals God's covenant, my blood poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."

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