Sabrina Benaim – “Explaining My Depression to My Mother”

Sabrina Benaim – “Explaining My Depression to My Mother”


explaining my depression to my mother (a conversation) mom, my depression is a shape shifter. one day it is as small as a firefly in the
palm of a bear, the next it’s the bear. on those days i play dead until the bear leaves
me alone. i call the bad days the dark days. mom says: try lighting candles. when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame sparks of a memory younger than noon; i am standing beside her open casket, it is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will someday
die. besides, mom, i’m not afraid of the dark. perhaps that’s part of the problem. mom says: i thought the problem was that you
can’t get out of bed. i can’t. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house,
inside of my head. mom says: where did anxiety come from? anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of
town depression felt obligated to bring to the
party. mom, i am the party. only i am a party I don’t want to be at. mom says: why don’t you try going to actual
parties. see your friends. sure, i make plans. i make plans, but I don’t wanna go. i make plans because i know i should want
to go. i know sometimes i would have wanted to go. it’s just not that much fun having fun when
you don’t wanna have fun, mom. you see, mom, each night, insomnia sweeps me up in it’s
arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of
the stove light. insomnia has this romantic way of making the
moon feel like perfect company. mom says: try counting sheep. but my mind can only count reasons to stay
awake. so I go for walks but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with
loose wrists, they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells,
reminding me i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness
i cannot baptize myself in. mom says: happy is a decision. my happy is a high fever that will break. my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg. mom says i am so good at making something
out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of
dying. no, i am afraid of living. mom, i am lonely. i think i learnt it when dad left; how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy. so when i tell you i’ve been super busy
lately, i mean i’ve been falling asleep watching sportscentre on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my
bed. but my depression always drags me back to
my bed, until my bones are the forgotten fossils of
a skeleton sunken city, my mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from
biting down on themselves. the hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with
echoes of a heartbeat, but i am a careless tourist here; i will never truly know everywhere i have
been mom still doesn’t understand. mom, can’t you see? neither do i.

100 thoughts on “Sabrina Benaim – “Explaining My Depression to My Mother””

  1. Im scared of being alone and most of my family knows. Yet, they still don't care about how i feel when they close the door on my face.

  2. I’m supposed to 30 math questions in 20 mins, THEY’RE ALL FRACTIONS! A NORMAL QUESTION ABOUT FRACTION USUALLY TAKES ME 5 MIN TO DO, anxiety loves me when that happens. WILL ANXIETY EVER LEAVE MEH ALONE?!

  3. "Explaining My Depression to My Mother, a Conversation"

    Mom, my depression is a shape shifter

    One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear

    The next it's the bear

    On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone

    I call the bad days "The Dark Days"

    Mom says, "Try lighting candles"

    When I see a candle I see the flesh of a church

    The flicker of a flame

    Sparks of a memory younger than noon

    I am standing beside her open casket

    It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die

    Besides Mom

    I'm not afraid of the dark

    Perhaps that's part of the problem

    Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed"

    I can't

    Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house

    Inside of my head

    Mom says, "Where did Anxiety come from?"

    Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party

    Mom, I am the party

    Only I am a party I don't want to be at

    Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends?"

    Sure, I make plans

    I make plans but I don't want to go

    I make plans because I know I should want to go

    I know sometimes I would have wanted to go

    It's just, not that much having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom



    You see, Mom

    Each night, Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms and dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light

    Insomnia, has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company

    Mom says, "Try counting sheep"

    But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake

    So I go for walks

    But my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists

    They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells

    Reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in

    Mom says, "Happy is a decision"

    But my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg

    My happy is a high fever that will break

    Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing, and then flat out asks if I am afraid of dying

    No, I am afraid of living

    Mom, I am lonely

    I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely

    The lonely into busy

    So when I tell you I've been super busy lately

    I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportCenter on the couch

    To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed

    But my depression always drags me back to my bed

    Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city

    My mouth a boneyard of teeth, broken from biting down on themselves

    The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat

    But I am just a careless tourist here

    I will never truly know everywhere I have been

    Mom still doesn't understand

    Mom!

    Can't you see?

    That neither can I

  4. for everyone who has soundcloud !! this poem was put on top of Building a Home by the Cinematic Orchestra and it is truly the best thing ever you can hear the poem and the music and it hits so hard.

  5. Just in case you didn't know, she has a beautiful (as beautiful as writing about depression and anxiety can be) poetry book called "Depression & Other Magic Tricks"

  6. For the last few months ive been trying to figure out whats going on with me. And everytime my mind went to depression or horrible anxiety i pushed it away the idea of being broken scares me shitless. It makes me feel alone when im not. I just found this video and i know that i relate to over half of everything she just said. I understood what she was saying without having to think about it. I fully relate to being lonely. Im afraid of living too. But what hit me most was the end. How do i expect other people to understand when i dont? Ill never understand. I know i wont. And finding this video just makes me want to hide more, yet it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the world that im exhausted. Im empty. Im lonley and confused and so freaking tired. I dont want to keep holding myself to one peice and just wanna let ME fall apart. I dont want anyone to know and understand or help me. I dont want that. I dont know what i want. How am i suspose to when i dont know who i am? This video helps me understand that i wont ever understand and thats okay in a not okay way.

    Sorry for the long response… i just wanted to vent a bit

  7. You can hear the pain in her voice.

    You can see the tears streaming down my cheeks

    You can feel how much this is relatable

  8. There's not a way to describe what depression feels like to someone who doesn't have it, just like there's not a way to describe happiness to someone who's forgotten what it feels like. We just have to listen to each other until we start understanding one another. We both assume the extremes of the other. It's hard but there's no reason to not keep trying. It's a fact that living is harder than dying and if we only get one life, why not challenge yourself?

  9. I remember seeing this a long time ago. I recently started journaling and I was spiraling into unanswerable questions of "Why have hobbies? Why go out? Why do anything?" The quote I remember most from this, which I wanted to write verbatim in my journal was "It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun"

  10. I was watching slam poetry yesterday and my mom had the audacity to say "you keep watching stuff like that, no wonder you're depressed" so I replied "no mom. Videos have nothing to do with my chemical imbalances" and now she's mad at me

  11. Depression is something no one can control hearing here put depression into words makes me a little happy because u almost understand why I am depressed

  12. My dad killed himself when I was six I didn't know till I was 14 I told my mom I was depressed since I was 11 she didn't take me seriously. I was in 5th grade and wanting to take my own life. How can you look at ur daughter see she's so sad at such a young age and not fear that shes going to do the same thing her dad did . My mom only cared about it when it affected her when I stopped going to school so CPS got involved I wish I still want to die I'm 18 now and life is just fucked.

  13. The more killing thing is that some people like me didn’t tell anybody and don’t have anyone to talk to, I can’t even pull myself to ask my mom to pay for online therapy

  14. you are not a poetist..you are not an artist…this is what we call in Spanish: Amparte. A fake expression of frustration trying to expose her frustration with her mom….she is an spoiled little girl

  15. I haven’t seen or heard anything to put it into words so perfectly. It is heart bear king to see the reality oh it put into perspective

  16. Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation

    Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter

    One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear

    The next it's the bear

    On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone

    I call the bad days "the Dark Days"

    Mom says try lighting candles

    But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame

    Sparks of a memory younger than noon

    I am standing beside her open casket

    It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die

    Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem

    Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed

    I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head

    Mom says where did anxiety come from

    Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party

    Mom, I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at

    Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends

    Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to

    I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go

    It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom

    You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light

    Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company

    Mom says try counting sheep

    But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake

    So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists

    They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot

    Baptize myself in

    Mom says happy is a decision

    But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg

    My happy is a high fever that will break

    Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying

    No Mom I am afraid of living

    Mom I am lonely

    I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy

    So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter

    To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed

    But my depression always drags me back to my bed

    Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city

    My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves

    The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat

    But I am just a careless tourist here

    I will never truly know where I have been

    Mom still doesn't understand

    Mom, can't you see

    That neither can I

  17. My birth-mom has depression so she’d understand but the thing is, I’m adopted by my grandparents…and my grandma/mom is an extrovert who doesn’t understand how I’m like this at a young age…

  18. Oh my god. This is as real as it gets. Everything she said is the life I live in. The fact she can put it into words is beautiful. More people like this need to exist

  19. I wanna die but… i dont want to hurt anyone close to me and people care. but they all take me for granted and mentaly abuse me. i cant get help from a phscyatrist or a therapist because my parents dont care and my friends ignore me. they suddenly snapped from being so nice a friendly to being evil backstabbing liars after i moved.

    edit: I showed this to my parents and they thought it was a fricking joke…. now i want to die even more…

  20. I’m just waching this in my bed crying alone and trying to be quiet, this is what i feel everyday and nobody even knows

  21. Anxiety holds me like a hostage inside my house

    This hits so hard, I’m crying. I had so many conversations with my mom and I feel like she doesn’t take me serious anymore and tells me that happiness is a decision. I shouldn’t worry so much about other things and go out with friends or on parties. I really want to go out more but a the same time I want to be alone. I’m safe when I’m alone and no one can say anything bad to me but I feel so lonely. I actually want to do so many things and life my life to the fullest but my anxiety makes sure I overthink everything and lose all the fun I want to have

  22. Sounds about right!!!… But those who fight that wave and make it back to shore, just to fight off a board of demons….. Those are GODS chosen people… He sees how mentally tough we are and how are spirit battled the negative energy.. in the next real or after life there is some pretty damn negative and evil energy… We know who we our that has battled the darkest of dark. Let Jesus take you under his lite.. don't end up on the side of dark and evil energy… Imagine just the evil and negative energy from just the Holocaust, in one place.. like an actual GREAT AND GOOD FATHER, that's what Jesus wants to protect you from.. much love to everyone and goodnight.

  23. A half year ago i listened to this, thinking i would never get out the dark, sharp ravin of depression and anxienty. Now, a half year later i know i can. My boyfriend came and dragged me out of there and now im so happy. I cant believe that i got from a dark, cold place to the light, happy place, drowning in love, where i am now. But i still listen this as a warning for myself: dont fall back in that ravin, one misplaced step and you fall. Now i look at my wrists and arms and think: why i had to ruin them so badly? I hope that these people here find someone who can drag them out of the ravin too.🤞🏻

  24. I remember when I first watched this.. I cried all night n I wanted to watch it more because this was my life all summed up in a single poem. I wanted someone to hear my pain. I have trully come so far

  25. I need to see this at least once a week, to remind me how strong Sabrina was to perform this poem having a anxiety attack and not stepping back, this give me the strenght i need sometimes, she wrote and spoke everything i hide inside me everyday, its f***** hard to struggle with this, but at least i know someone feels the same and have the courage to open her mind and heart to us.
    To say "thanks" is not enough to express my gratitude towards her.

  26. You have weights attached to each and every one of your limbs. They’re heavy. They’re painful. They’re uncomfortable. You have to drag them around every day. You’re tired. The weights make everything hurt and you want nothing more but to remove them. The pain of them brings you to tears and you just want to cry for help. You try to scream and shout for someone with a key to remove the chains bounding these weight to your body but you can’t. Your mouth is taped shut. Nobody has the key to help you.

    That’s depression

  27. My mind: cut your wrist
    My anxiety: but what if they saw your wrist? What if they judge you again? What if they finally leave you?

  28. She literally brought it all out infront of a audience…she’s so brave…i have depression…i’m not brave enough to do this…

  29. Heard this for the first time in 2016, it's 2019 and still, every word of it can be felt. Some unwanted things in life just don't leave you ever.
    More power to those still battling ♥

  30. i never thought that you could put something so deep that unfortunately a vast group of people can relate to into such meaningful and powerful words .

  31. Damn you people have nothing better to do. All this means is your weak minded. You have "anxiety" because you're allowed to be weak by your parents. My wife had anxiety, i broke that habit in a year with no medication. Cause it was all in her head. And o didn't allow her to be weak.

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