My leg is ACTUALLY getting cut off again - here's what's happening!

My leg is ACTUALLY getting cut off again – here's what's happening!

good morning my beautiful internet friends welcome back I wanted to share with you guys news as I finally have it about what is happening with my leg I know actually what is going to be occurring and it's kind of a lot to handle and to digest right now so I wanted to tell you what's happening and also share one little tidbit that I've been mulling over the last couple days that's kind of helped me process this information so back on Wednesday I went up to Denver with my lovely husband Brian and we met with my new surgeon I've been talking with him for a little while now I actually got consultation from him on my last surgery and decided to go with him and his team and another surgeon who's going to be in the surgery as well for this upcoming thing that we have going on and I released a video a little while ago talking about how I'm going to have my leg amputated again but it wasn't probably and I said that in the video like this is probably what's gonna be happening it wasn't for sure I was still waiting on some other test results he wanted to have other scans to make sure that he knew exactly what was going on and so Wednesday we went up there to check in and actually determine a course of action I have been sitting in limbo for a really long time I've been sitting in limbo release since frankly like a December but specifically since the end of April not really knowing what's happening or what's going on and when I what I heard that we might have a course of direction like I don't know about a month ago when I had that last appointment with him it was exciting to know that okay well maybe something can actually be done but because there wasn't a specific course of action I don't think the reality of anything hit me because I didn't have a specific thing to picture like oh this is what we're doing and this is when we're doing it I now have that and it's a lot to digest it's a lot to handle and to take in so what we are going to be doing is on August 27th which ironically is our wedding anniversary so we're still kind of trying to decide if that's the day I want to have this done or not let me know your opinions in the comments down below but I am going to have my leg re amputated I get to keep my knee which is super freakin awesome but what they're gonna do is shorten it a little bit they're gonna remove the Odle I realize that's probably gonna be controversial if you have no idea what I just said don't worry about it it's not that important basically what an ER ttle is it is it's like a bone bridge so you have your two leg bones right I have had previously as they took a piece of the leg that they chopped off and they stuck it right there and it was supposed to few the best way to describe it is like this is a lot more stable when you kind of have that triangle then just like two chopsticks the problem is it didn't actually fully heal it didn't fuse and so there's been one side of my leg that has not actually been right it's not been connected so when I when I've said it hasn't felt right like something has felt wrong I've been correct I guess along with the fact that the bone grew on the other side grew spurs and the muscle went away from that part of it so it's like bone skin sticking out and then the earth will never actually healed so the the bone didn't properly fuse and I have nerve pain on top of it and the skins all weird so anyways long story short that's what they're gonna be doing they're going to be shortening it they're going to be fixing the skin issues they're going to be doing a targeted muscle reinnervation which is a cool procedure that is supposed to help fingers crossed with phantom pain and they're going to be moving my muscle back around to hopefully cover more of the bone and they're gonna leave me with the chopstick version of the leg this freaks me out because it could mean that I never get to do jujitsu again no that's not a hard and fast thing but my surgeon did mention that it would be something that I might want to just try and see how it goes but he didn't really have high hopes for twerking if you know someone who does jujitsu and they have a below the knee amputation that is not a nurdle let me know um Jiu Jitsu was kind of previously in my life and at this point priority one is being able to walk is being able to find a new normal that involves getting around on my own that involves being able to do more than I'm doing right now but the reason I I did this is so that I could do more than I was previously doing with a leg that just didn't work right that hurt all the time and I haven't gotten that result I've gotten the opposite of that result I've been severely more restricted now with that being said here's to hoping that I'll still be able to do jujitsu frankly I have no idea so we'll just wait and see and right now I'm just gonna worry about getting through the surgery and getting up and walking and what really hit me when he told me that and when we actually put on the schedule is I've been through this once I've had my leg cut off once before and it is gonna kind of be like starting back over like it'll be days in the hospital it'll be four weeks I believe in a caste which is two weeks longer than last time which oh man I was like losing it at two weeks and a caste was like the itching and just discomfort and everything so pray to the Lords above for me when it comes to that having gone through this once the short story is I don't want to go through it again this is a lot for me to do what this is a lot for me to process and frankly I'm having a hard time I have good moments and I had bad moments but one thing that just hit me when I was driving the other day was the lines on the freeway what what are you talking about Joe well let me explain when I was learning to drive my dad actually taught me 16 that was driving our big silver Nissan truck when you're a kid learning to drive I think it's your instinct to look down at the road directly in front of you right because you don't want to hit anything and so you're like clutching onto the wheel you're freaked out you don't to kill anyone or yourself driving that car and you're like looking straight at the road right in front of you and you're like you know swerving and freaked out cuz because everything's right there and it's coming at you and my dad was like look up like Jordan because my family calls me Jordan because of financial name Jordan look look look up look further down the road like don't look at what's right in front of you don't look at the stripes along the road right next to you look further up when you look further away things become more clear and you can navigate better and while that's true I actually tried it because that memory came back and I was driving down the freeway I was like I wonder what happened so I looked like right in front of my car and you lose all perspective you you can't you can't see what's going on around you when you're looking right in front of you and you can't you know see what's coming down the road you have no perspective on anything but when you look up and you look further down the road you can see you can still see what's in front of you but you also have a glimpse of the future of where your cars going and what's going on around you and the anxiety goes way down because you're not worried about just swerving to you know miss the rock right and you're right in your path you can see more of what's to come and this has just been sort of echoing in my head as I've been trying to process these emotions around starting over around the last ten months kind of being for nothing even though they aren't for nothing we can talk about that more later but I'm just really having to restart this whole process if I'm looking right in front of me if I'm just looking at oh my god I'm going to have to go through this horrible surgery all over again and it sucks and I want to do anything but that and it's it's horrible it's really extraordinarily painful and it's awful to be in that position and to be that restricted and to deal with all of the things that come along with that not not just the physical pain and I'm gonna be like it's step one again and like I'm thinking about all the stuff that's like right here that is right in front of me I'm thinking like two three four months ahead and I'm completely overwhelmed and paralyzed and I just want to curl up and never move or think or breathe ever again but if I look up if I look a little bit further out I think a year down the road or two years down the road I know that this is absolutely the right thing to do I know that this will suck but it will be a memory that I process and I move through it'll be something that is simply a step along the way to a better life hopefully it will help me walk it'll be a crappy thing to go through but in the grand scheme of things it's a small thing it's just swerving to hit a rock that's in my path right now right it's not it's not the entire road that I'm on I don't know if that analogy was a stretch or not but it's been helping me we have a tendency to look at what's immediately in front of us and it causes so much anxiety and worry at least it does for me if I'm thinking about what's right in front of me I just start to lose it but if I let myself look a little further out look at you know six months to a year or whatever I realized that the thing that I am freaking out about it matters it absolutely matters but it doesn't quite hold the gravity in that timeframe that it does in this timeframe and so it helps to give me a little bit of perspective and I thought maybe it would help give you guys a little bit of perspective too so I'm going to you you know what hop back into work and then spend some time just try to relax later because there's a lot going on I had in my mind of my body right now probably curl up with this adorable puppy right here look at that thing look at her Brian took her for a long walk this morning and tuckered her out which is really an accomplishment she kind of goes and goes and goes and goes so I'm gonna leave you guys with that but I love you thinking of you so appreciate the time that you spend here with me and I'll see you in the next video like [Applause]

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