Communication in relationships | Secrets from Couples therapy | 3 proven Therapist tips

Communication in relationships | Secrets from Couples therapy | 3 proven Therapist tips


hey you guys Sam Nabil here founder
of Naya clinics at Naya clinics we help adults facing relationship challenges
life transitions and anxiety I don’t want to bore you with that whole
subscribe to the channel BS and give us a thumbs up and all that stuff let’s do
that later in the video but for now let’s jump right in in this video I will
give you two incredibly quirky ways to communicate with your partner that will
elevate your communication with them to a whole new level watch this video to
the end and I will give you a third tool at the end of the video but it’s pretty
much a secret weapon you’re going to love that one so the first trick up our sleeves is
called mirroring have you ever been fighting
with somebody and you had them say to you hey you are not listening to me if
you’re anything like me I’ve heard that from a lot of girlfriends back in the
day so then what is mirroring and how does it help with that Marian is
basically repeating verbatim everything the person you’re having a conversation
with just said to you so let’s say I am talking to you about lunch plans and I’m
like hey I am kind of busy on Thursday would you like to go out to lunch on
Wednesday instead so mirroring in this case what you would be you saying to me
hey I heard you say that you are busy on Thursday but that you would rather make
plans for Wednesday lunch instead is that correct
so this might sound really annoying and dull it’s like you know you could be
looking at me thinking hey you want me to actually repeat verbatim everything
anybody tells me in a conversation that would take just the entire day and the
point here is well a yes that is exactly what I’m suggesting you do and give me a
second to explain why and you’ll hopefully see the logical see often find
when were having a conversation inside our own heads we’re kind of two steps
ahead of the conversation we’re basically waiting for the other person
to finish what they’re saying so we can get to say our but the problem with that
is that instead of focusing on what the other person is actually saying and
trying to understand that we are already somewhere else in our head and not
really focused with when you try mirroring what you will find that you
will need to do is to be 100% focused on what the other person is saying because
there is no way in hell you can repeat somebody else’s words verbatim unless
you are very very intently listening so this is the first benefit of it is that
it keeps you very much focused and engaged on what the
the same the second benefit of it has to do with the other person
imagine this imagine every time you tell me something I repeat it to you exactly
the way you said it how would you feel would you feel like I’m listening
intently would you feel like I’m hearing you I will venture to say yes because as
we were saying that in the other point there is no way I can be repeating to
verbatim what you said unless I’m very very intently listening to you and
that’s exactly the point when you make somebody feel in that way that you are
so incredibly focused on what they’re saying they feel heard and when they
feel heard they feel safe around you and they want to continue having a
conversation with so this is why marrying is so important and this is the
number one point that I would like to ask you to try in your communication so
what do you think about marry does that make any sense to you do you feel like
that would be helpful if you feel like marrying would be helpful to you in your
communication comment below say yes and tell me what what makes you
think it would be helpful if you think it’s BS comment below as well and tell
me why you think it is BS right so on to the second point the
second point is validating the person you’re speaking with validating is a
very tricky skill to master and the reason for that is a lot of people
confuse validating somebody else’s feelings with agreeing with something
that they do not agree with so let me give you an example from my personal
life so one day I’m having a conversation with my wife and she says
hey are you like me are you scared to stop at a gas station after 2:00 a.m. to
put gas because for me I would never stop at night to put guests you know I
feel very cleansing and know I and I feel perfectly safe
you know fueling up at 2:00 a.m. but I can see why you would feel this way
because you know there’s a lot of there’s a lot of fear for a lot of women
to be alone in a dark place at 2 a.m. where there is nobody around so that is
an example of validating without agreeing personally I am NOT scared to
stop it 2 or 3 a.m. at a gas station on my way home to fuel up but that doesn’t
mean that my wife needs to feel the same way all I have to all I have to
understand here is that she gets scared to do that and we do not have to agree
on the challenge with validation now is
that most people if somebody feels differently than they do about a
particular topic they get so focused or so interested in making the other person
see why they shouldn’t feel the way they’re feeling so in the example of the
gas station somebody could be like hey you’re paranoid or why would you feel
that way or like you know 9 million times 9 million people fuel up at 3 a.m.
every day and nothing ever happens and you know this is a silly fear no I mean
if if you were to do that with somebody then what you’re basically saying to
them is that your feeling is wrong and here is the thing that most people don’t
get feelings can not be wrong nobody can have a wrong feeling if you’re scared if
you’re scared there is no it’s not it’s not a logical argument it is a feeling
if you’re tired you’re tired you’re gonna if I’m tired you kind of argue
with me that I’m not I am so the the the validation part is more of an art than a
science it is the art of putting yourself in
somebody else’s shoes momentarily without necessarily agreeing personally
that this is how you would feel if you were in their shoes how do you feel
about validation do you feel like this tip would help you if you were to try it
with your intimate partner or in your communication in general if you feel
validation could be helpful please comment below and say yes and give me a
few examples from your personal life if you feel like you’ve tried this before
and then workout please comment below as well and tell me why it didn’t work and
I’ll see if I can help you adjust your approach a little bit all righty now on to the secret weapon
at the beginning of the video I promised you a third tip that is the equivalent
of a secret weapon here is why I call it that it’s because this is where most
people never really venture and the reason why it’s a secret weapon in my
mind is that it’s actually the easiest of the of all the tips that I’m giving
you today to do because you can never get it wrong you can very easily get
mirroring from you can try to repeat somebody’s words verbatim and not get
the memory you can very easily get validation you can try and not quite get
it but this one I’m just about to suggest is the easiest of them all
because you can never get and it is empathizing it is attempting to
empathize so let me try and explain how that works so this is an attempt on your
part to guess basic it’s like emotional assurance it is an attempt to guess how
your partner or how the person you’re having the conversation with could be
feeling about the topic they’re talking to you so let’s go back to the topic
with my life and the gas station so I can I can try and guess like hey you
must feel very scared to be at you know dark place and 3 a.m. right and because
it’s the it’s a guess if I get it right then she feels understood and she feels
validated as we were describing before and she feels safe to continue having a
conversation with me but here’s the cool part so now what happens if I get it
wrong this is what really gets cool if I get it wrong Oh what happens is she
corrects me right so if I say hey you feel scared you I I guess you might feel
scared about being there and she says no it’s because a friend of mine when I was
nineteen years old was jumped at a gas station and you know ever since then I
you know just wanted to be very careful about not putting myself in that
position or you know anything whatever it may be you just I’m just making
making a scenario up in my mind here and then basically we have a chance here to
continue having the conversation using the same the same tips that I just gave
you you know so then this would give me an opportunity to mirror her and say oh
so the reason why you don’t like being at a gas station at 3:00 a.m. is because
when you were younger one of your friends was jumped there you know my am
i hearing that correctly and then she would the interstate yes and then we
have an opportunity for me to validate her and in this case would be something
like oh I could see why you would feel this way if I were in your shoes if I
had a friend who was jumped at a gas station when I was younger I think I
would you know develop a particular sensitivity to doing that as well so so
that’s why I call it a secret weapon if you get a break it’s an opportunity for
the conversation to improve it’s an opportunity for your partner or whatever
you’re discussing this with to feel safe and understood with you if you get it
wrong it is basically an opportunity for that conversation to continue going on
in a way that still reinforces her or him feeling understood feeling
appreciated feeling heard feeling validated so there you go this is the
third one empathizing emotional charades as I call it you know an attempt on your
part to guess what the person you’re you’re talking with might be feeling in
in the circumstance that they’re describing to you so how do you feel
about empathizing do you think that is something that would work for you if you
if you think this might work for you please comment yes below and give me an
example of when you tried it and it worked
if you feel again like is BS and that would never work give me
an example below in the comments and I will try and respond to all the comments
that I see and start a conversation with you and maybe give you a few a few ways
that you can improve how you do that all right so this is it for today I hope
you find this helpful if you do please remember to subscribe to our Channel and
to give the video thumbs up share it with somebody that you feel might might
find it helpful and I will see you next time have a great day bye bye

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